Dance with Me
“Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely in
Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove
And dance me to the end of love
Please dance me to the end of love…” (Dance Me to the End of Love.Covered by Civil Wars)
Quick fun fact about me, my all time favorite band is The Civil Wars. They are a beautiful duo that split while I was pregnant with my first born, Rhett.
As I love all of their songs, this cover is my all time favorite. Everytime it comes on I grab Rhett up and we dance around the kitchen and living room. Pretending we know all the proper moves we had studied from DWTS. Every dance I would remind him that we are practicing to do the best Mother/Son dance at his wedding one day. He always laughs and jokes.
2020 has been a year of focus that I wasn’t prepared for. I asked God a year ago to put me on the right path. To meet the right people, rid myself of connections that held me back, make friends with true honest positive souls. I could have never imagined the path I would be led down. I am a completely different person than I was a year ago, or even 6 months ago. With each new change, I find myself asking “How will I explain this stage of life to my boys? What will they remember when they think back to their mother during this time?” Suddenly I’m so aware of my every move. Am I strengthening my kids or am I hiding honesty from them? As a woman being a business owner, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a granddaughter, friend, family, etc but most of all, a people pleaser, I found myself completely and consistently exhausted. The forever feelings of failure, I had made no one proud that day, or at all. All in which led me down a path of self destruction that was tearing me away from the ones that needed me the most, my handsome young boys.
What do I really want in life? Something I depended on everyone else to answer for me. As long as I was seen as a good wife, mother, daughter etc. I was ok. But was I really? No. I had lost sight of myself, I no longer knew my favorite colors, or anything to do with me. One night during a Snapchat conversation with a friend, they asked me a question that blindsided me, “ what’s your biggest fear?” The answer that came out shocked me. “To be invisible to the ones I love and cherish the most!” It led me to the question that I never wanted to acknowledge, “what would happen if I actually followed my desires that were in my heart? What would happen if I stopped saying no and began to say yes even if it meant complete disappointment to some?” And so, the path began. First it was my prayers, then my health began to play a huge role. I said yes to CrossFit. 33lbs down and I’m feeling amazingly strong! Even though I’m a recovering “People Pleaser” I still wanted some reassurance that I was doing the right thing. Every decision made, I made to better myself for my sons. That reassurance came on a mid September Saturday at a thunderstorm blanketed outdoor wedding.
It was my sweet little baby cousin’s wedding. How could he be grown? I changed his diapers! I babysat him! I ran around making sure both my boys kept their white button up dress shirts clean with the burgundy ties and leather suspenders attached to their pressed navy pants. Never thinking of a life changing moment for myself could happen. As everyone prepared for the rain, I tried to protect the straighten hair and makeup I had worked so hard on. With a sweet unexpected hug, Rhett, my super tall 7 year old, grabbed my hand as the rain drops began to fall and asked, “Mama, will you dance with me in the rain?!” Without a second thought of my hair and makeup, I grabbed my son’s hands and said yes to the dance we always practice to! He reached in and hugged me so tightly on the dance floor. For that moment I forgot all our surroundings. I was so blessed within that moment. My child saw me. He had confidence in himself , and he saw mine too. Someday it won’t be my hand he reaches for to dance with first. And when that day comes I hope and pray he sees the woman I’m working so hard to become, and finds a soulmate with those same determination and drive.
We danced until we were drenched. As the song ended, Rhett reached in for another hug and said thank you for the dance. It only lasted for a few short minutes, but for me, it was a beautiful overview of the last 8 years of me carrying him in my womb as I would sway my oversized belly to the music. I also felt each little dance he and I had. How has he grown up so much so fast? When will our next dance be? Oh the dreams I pray they chase! He and his brother are going to be such great men someday! They are why I want so much more and so much better of myself. I pray they both always take the opportunity to dance especially in the rain!